Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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