You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
