yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
