Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
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Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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