when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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