just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
