do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
