I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Bring me that man meat
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
