i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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