my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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