Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
