why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
