i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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