I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
