Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
