So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Two words: blizzard sex
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
