My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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