I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
