Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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