just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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