so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
