I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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