you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
