I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
