I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
