Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
And then my night got REAL pukey
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
