You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
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He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
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My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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