I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
