it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
