either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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