Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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