My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
