Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
