My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Randomize
