I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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