The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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