my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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