well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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