You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
