Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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