i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
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i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
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Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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