I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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