I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
