So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize