I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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