So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
