tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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