I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
either way he was missing a nipple.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
