don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
