I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
