I got chris browned last night
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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