I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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