Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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